| I have an announcement to make.
I am going to make an important speech. The event will take place on Mount Sinai. Now, I wasn't aware of this before it was brought to my attention, but the date of the speech just happens to correspond with the date that God handed the stone tablets to Moses. Coincidence? Perhaps... I am certain that I am supposed to host this event because God told me to do it. Now, there are those who will say that I am a snake oil salesman. Others will say that I'm mildly psychotic. But to them I say… God is neither a snake oil salesman, nor is he a psychopath!!! So of course what I say must be true. Now, I'm not trying to put myself on the same level with Moses. I'm not saying that people will be quoting my words throughout the ages or that children will learn to recite my words in school for generations to come. Of course, I'm not saying they won't either. Because history will begin anew when I open my sanctified mouth on that day. Our movement will be elevated from the preposterous realm of right wing politics, to the completely irrational realm of religion. From an arena where questions are not welcome, to an arena where questions are not possible. Because there's no question that having a black president should not be possible. And if it should come to pass that we have a black president, white people shouldn't have to pay their taxes. Actually, no one should ever have to pay any taxes. And government should never run a deficit. I was going to explain how to make that miracle happen, but God dropped a sack of fertilizer on my head. Just dropped it! Boom! And suddenly I realized that none of this was about politics. Or reality. It was about miracles. You see, we don't need to pay taxes. Because God can fund the government with a loaf of bread, two fishes and a twelve-pack of Coors. Because he's God. And God doesn't want the top two percent of wage earners to suffer a tax hike, because of course God is in that glorious two percent. He and his beloved small business people like Paris Hilton and Henry Kissinger and Tiger Woods…and me! So your main take-away today is to vote for anyone who pledges not to raise taxes on God (or me) even if that means that in the end your taxes have to be increased to make up the difference. Because that's what God wants. And who are we to argue with God? |
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